A Random Humor Fic
by constant-confusion
Summary: Summaries are EVIL... ¬¬
1. I like chickens

A Random Humor Fic (Set In a Remote Land, aka. The Author's Mind)  
  
Chaptah 1: I like chickens.  
  
???: Ah, here we are in beautiful...a donut shop?? But, we were supposed to be in Flo-!  
  
Dark Genie: *burp* Mmm, nothing like a good helping of human flesh... *BURP*!  
  
Brock: *girly shriek* You ate Ash!!!!  
  
Everyone: YAY!  
  
Riku: Mm...donuts...  
  
Pikachu: Pika?  
  
???: Hello? Doesn't anyone besides me care that we were supposed to be in Florida?  
  
Everyone: ...Nope!  
  
???: ...oh... Okay.  
  
Yuffie: I'll have the cheese & bacon omellette with fries, potatoes, cream, eggs, salad, beer, whiskey, and some biscuits!  
  
Rikku: ...  
  
Yuffie: And Squall will have the cheese danish and the lonely twig in the corner!  
  
Squall: I'm allergic to cheese danish...  
  
Leon: Doctor Evil & Mini-Me!!!  
  
Squall: ?  
  
Leon: Yup! You're Doctor Evil and I'm Mini-Me!  
  
Laguna: *runs into shop* HELP! The fangirls have escaped from the Correctional Facility! RUN FOR YA LIFES!!! *passes out*  
  
All Bishonen: *girly scream* WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!  
  
Rikku: No, fangirls don't kill, they glomp!  
  
???: Yes! My plan has taken action! Now I can reveal my true identity! BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *disappears and returns in a puff of black smoke* It is I, Riku173!!! Lover of bishonen!!!!  
  
Riku: AH!  
  
Sephiroth: AH!  
  
Kuja: AH!  
  
Raven (from Zoids): AH!  
  
Squall: ...ah...  
  
Leon: *girly scream like Johnny Bravo*  
  
Seifer: AH!  
  
Riku173: Ew, I don't even like Seifer! He's ugly! And he hurt Squally! Now I call upon my assistant, Tommy the Flea!!! *she starts doing the funky chicken and 10 minutes later (no one tried to escape for they were much to stupid) a tiny girl appeared, wearing a white shirt with Tommy plastered in red letters on the front, indicating a Tommy Hilfiger (forgive if spelled wrong) shirt. She is wearing jeans. She adjusts her glasses, walks forward and trips. Riku173 laughs uncontrollably*  
  
Riku173: God, you kill me...  
  
Tommy: *gets up* Then why are you still alive?  
  
Riku173: Let's just get to the reasons why we're here: TO KIDNAP ALL BISHONEN AND SELL THEM TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER!!! *all but her and Tommy fall over unconscious*  
  
Tommy: Step 1 complete!  
  
Riku173: No, that was step 2. Step 1 was to lure them to the donut shop. Pay attention to your studies!  
  
Tommy: Gr... 


	2. The kidnapping and selling of boxers!

Narrator: Riku173's diabolical, conniving, and all around evil plan has succeeded! She is seated in her throne room, sipping at her Coke. Let's look, shall we?  
  
Riku173: BLAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! My plan is working! Tommy! Go get my minions! BLAHAHAHAHAHAHA-*cough hack cough* ha...ha...  
  
Tommy: *blows whistle* Minions! Come forth and thou shall be rewarded! *3 girls about the same age as Riku173 enter the room, one blond with extremely pale skin. She is wearing clothing like that of a leprechaun and looks kinda Irish. Another follows. She is armed with Squally's Gunblade and looks mean. Her hair is brown and she is wearing all leather. TIGHT black leather. She's also paler than the Irish girl. The last girl enters and she is wearing pink pajamas with rainbows and cows on them*  
  
Riku173: BLAHAHAHA! Kayle*, step forth! *the Irish girl steps forward and bows*  
  
Kayle: Kayle the Magic Irish Bum at your service, O Great One!  
  
Riku173: Yippy skippy! Srarhr, step forth! *the girl in pjs walks forward*  
  
Srarhr: Why am I in pjs?  
  
Riku173: Becuz I am writing this. Now, my most trusted minion! Hilary! Step forth! *the girl in all leather shoulders her Gunblade and walks forward*  
  
Hilary: What do you want? I was on a killing spree!  
  
Riku173: I have a special job for you! I want you to take away all of the bishonen's clothing and leave them only blankets!  
  
Hilary: You mean strip them?!  
  
Riku173: ...yeah. Sorta.  
  
Hilary: But that's wrong!  
  
Riku173: And it would be even more wrong if you were a /male/ stripping them.  
  
Hilary: *pout* I don't wanna.  
  
Riku173: I'll let you kill innocent bystanders.  
  
Hilary: OKAY! *skips off to the storage room with a pile of blankets*  
  
Riku173: And bring me their boxers!  
  
*= pronounce KAY-lee, not kayl. She isn't a veggie. 


	3. I make random chapter titles :D

Narrator: Hilary has succeeded in stripping the bishounen of their clothing and boxers, however, Irvine Kinneas (FF8) managed to escape! Big mistake! Why? He escaped after he was stripped! So now he's running around naked! Plus the fact that the fangirls escaped from the correctional facility and are running around on a sugar high! Poor Irvine. And he is REALLY hot and sexy so the fangirls will be drawn a like a magnet!  
  
Tommy: Heh heh heh... *snicker*  
  
Narrator: Eh?? What is she snickering about?  
  
Srarhr: Tommy, is this really such a good idea? Riku173 is our friend! Not the enemy!  
  
Tommy: Shut up! I am tired of being bossed by her! /I/ Should be in control!!!  
  
Srarhr: But-!  
  
Tommy: Shut up! *hits Srarhr in the head*  
  
Srarhr: *whimper* But Tommy...  
  
Tommy: And my name is not Tommy! It is Rachel! And that substitute teacher we had on Friday was NOT my mom!  
  
Srarhr: But they looked so alike! *giggles at the memory*  
  
Tommy: Sometimes, I wonder if you're on my side or not.  
  
Kayle: *is listening to their conversation from around the corner* *gasp*! I must tell Riku173! Then she'll be proud me and she'll give the shoe repair shop in England I've always wanted! And then I can-! *Tommy clamps her hand over Kayle's mouth*  
  
Tommy: Well well well, a spy... BLAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Kayle: Mmmph! Mmph mph moomph!! *(Hey! Let me gooo!)*  
  
Narrator: Eep. Too bad I'm the narrator and can't do anything but talk.. Oh well. At least I get payed large sums of money for an easy job! Let's see what Riku173 is doing.  
  
Riku173: God dangit Tommy where in the name of cheese did you put my socks?!?  
  
Narrator: It seems Riku173 is looking for her socks. This has nothing to with the story line, so let's check on the bishonen!  
  
Riku: Ow... *rubs his head and looks around* EWWWW! 


	4. HOLY WEASELS!

Note: Due to the author's forgetful-ness, she was idiotic and forgot the disclaimer (yay!)!  
  
So, this is the disclaimer: Riku173 does not own anything featured in this crappy excuse for a fan-fic. She does not own her friends Tommy, Srarhr, Hilary, Storm (who will appear later), Zelda, or Kayle, and she doesn't really want to. She doesn't even own a Riku plushie! But she will...oh yes, that she will... :) And she will also get a Sora plushie and give it to Storm, but that's off subject.  
  
-----  
  
Tommy: BLAHA! I have the plan! I will kidnap the lovely bishonen and demand ransom! That'll work!  
  
Kayle: *is tied to a chair* I'll never let you get away with this!  
  
Tommy: Too bad I will, besides what can you do? You're tied a chair.  
  
Srarhr: I'm glad I'm not tied to a chair.  
  
Tommy: *ties Srarhr to a chair* Now you are.  
  
Srarhr: Meanie..  
  
Tommy: Heh heh heh. Now I call upon my most trusted minion, Zelda! *she starts to do the funky chicken and 20 minutes later a girl with brown hair about the same length and style of Kairi's appeared. She is wearing a pink dress and is holding a fancy wand*  
  
Zelda: Hi Tommy.  
  
Tommy: My name is NOT Tommy!  
  
Zelda: Sorry.  
  
Kayle: HOLY WEASELS!  
  
Tommy: What is it??  
  
Kayle: I sense a grave disturbance in the force.. *shifty eyes*  
  
Tommy: AHHHHH!!! We're all gonna die! Zelda, let's go!!!! *her and Zelda run into the main storage room and Kayle snickers*  
  
Srarhr: What was that for?  
  
Kayle: To keep them distracted while I get us outta here! *uses her lazer eyes to burn the ropes that are binding them to the chairs*  
  
Srarhr: FREEDOM!!! *sobbing can be heard from off stage*  
  
Kayle: Wha-?  
  
Tommy: Mr. Tapey... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *camera show Tommy holding a mangled roll of tape*  
  
Zelda: ...eep...  
  
Tommy: I'm so *sob* sorry Mr. Tapey... *sob* I didn't..*sob* mean for it *sob* to end this way... *sob* *snort* *cries* I'M SORRY!!!! WAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! *camera goes back to  
  
Kayle and Srarhr* Kayle: *sweatdrops* Ehh...let's go...  
  
Srarhr: *grins like an idiot* OKAY! *they leave* Tommy: ...*sob*...  
  
***  
  
Narrator: Meanwhile.. Hilary and Riku173 are eating a dinner of Chinese food! Mmm, cashew chicken...  
  
Riku173: Hey Hilary, nice muscles.  
  
Hilary: Thanks. I work out.  
  
Riku173: Um...  
  
Hilary: What?  
  
Riku173: Where'd you get that Gunblade?  
  
Hilary: I stole it from Squally.  
  
Riku173: Hey...have ya seen Srarhr, Kayle, and Tommy? *Srarhr and Kayle run into the room panting*  
  
Kayle: O...*pant pant* Great One *pant*, Tommy is...*pant pant*...*collapses* x.x *moan* *twitch twitch*  
  
Srarhr: What she means is the Tommy and her minion Zelda (who is really named Kayla) are going to turn against you and and try to destroy you and wipe you from the Earth and then they will rule supreme!  
  
Riku173: Wow, Srarhr, I'm proud of you! You finally said a sentence over 5 words! Maybe you're not that stupid...  
  
Hilary: *mutters to self* Good lord can't she see we have a problem!? Ugh...  
  
Riku173: Well, Tommy does have a weakness.. Every night on the full moon, she turns into a flea!!  
  
Everyone: *gasp*! 


	5. I think I hit a pipe

Narrator: Hello! *the camera shows Rasputin from Anastasia singing to "In the Dark of the Night"*  
  
Rasputin: *sings* Come my minions, rise for your mas-! *is interrupted as Riku173 comes barging in the through the wall* *the CD player stops the music*  
  
Riku173: Hiya Rasputin! I am in need of your assistance.  
  
Rasputin: You stupid girl! Why do you always interrupt me when I sing??  
  
Riku173: ... Why are you even singing with the tape?  
  
Rasputin: Bah. It's the least 20th Century Fox could give me for starring in the cursed musical thingy...  
  
Riku173: ... Can I just get to the point?  
  
Rasputin: Oh, sorry. It's just that...ever since I joined forces with Mojo Jojo, I...haven't been sane...  
  
Riku173: Dude... You never were sane to begin with.  
  
Rasputin: Yeah, I guess you're right.  
  
Riku173: Always am. Anyway, will you help me?  
  
Rasputin: _ Why? *suspicious glare towards Riku173*  
  
Riku173: I'm a poor little girl hell-bent on world destruction and can't do it by myself. *big puppy eyes for effect*  
  
Rasputin: *sighs in defeat* Fine. What do you want me to do?  
  
Riku173: *grins evilly* ) I knew you'd see it my way. What I need is: *whispers her plan in Rasputin's ear, thus causing it to be inaudible*  
  
Rasputin: *grins* I like the way you think.  
  
Riku173: Yeah, me too. 


	6. Sora busts a move!

Sora: *breakdances* Bweeheehee!  
  
Crowd: Whoot!  
  
Kairi: Go Sora!  
  
Zidane: What does this haveta do with the storyline?  
  
Yuna: Aerith, does my hair look okay?  
  
Aerith: Yes, always does.  
  
Lulu: Go dance with Tidus, Yuna.  
  
Yuna: NO! NEVER!!  
  
Lulu: *whispers to Aerith* Poor Yuna, ever since Tidus started dating Selphie, she hasn't been the same..  
  
Yuna: Gr.. *eyebrow twitches*  
  
Tidus: *dances with Selphie*  
  
Yuna: *battle cry* *she attacks Tidus with her wand*  
  
Narrator: That was...strange... Anyway, it seems the characters Riku173 didn't want are watching Sora...breakdance. Joy.  
  
Yuna: BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA! *glomps Tidus* NOW YOU WILL DIE!!  
  
Tidus-Haters: YAY!  
  
Kenshin: I think I'm safe here... *hides under a table*  
  
Storm: [It's Storm the Keyblade Mistress, you dummies! Not Storm from X- men!] Kenshin! Where are you?! I LUFF YOU KENSHIN!!!!  
  
Kenshin: Meep. *bumps his head on the table, thus getting Storm's attention*  
  
Storm: KENSHIN!!! *glomps Kenshin*  
  
Kenshin: ... Crud.  
  
Narrator: Hrm, I wonder what /this/ has to do with the storyline...  
  
Malik: Grr, where'd that pansy Yugi go to?!  
  
Ryou: Malik...violence isn't the answer...  
  
Malik: So? Killing is fun! *kisses Ryou*  
  
Riku173: Awww...isn't shounen-ai cute?? *eats Frosted Flakes and pokes Malik*  
  
Malik: _ Shoo kid...  
  
Riku173: *_____* *starry eyed* My gosh you are pretty...  
  
Narrator: Hey! How'd she get here??  
  
Riku173: Idiotic cow! I'm writing this!  
  
Kayle: What a birdcage.  
  
All: *stare at Kayle*  
  
Kayle: What??  
  
Ryou: *gasp*! It's an Irish Bum! There's tons of legends and myths about those in England!  
  
Riku173: Um, Malik? *party goes back to normal*  
  
Malik: *is ticked* What?!  
  
Riku173: Heh.. *snaps fingers and all fall over unconscious except for Riku173, Kayle, Storm, and Ryou*  
  
Kayle: ^^ Yay!  
  
Riku173: ^^ I love being in control.  
  
Storm: OO You killed Kenshin!!!!  
  
Riku173: ...Do I know you?  
  
Storm: I dunno. But I DO know that it's my b-day and I finally found Kenshin and you killed him!  
  
Ryou: I have no idea what's going on... *backs away*  
  
Kayle: NO ESCAPE!!!! *tackles Ryou*  
  
Riku173: I didn't kill Kenshin... *pokes him* See? He's still warm... I'll let him be under your control if you work for me!  
  
Storm: Hmmm... OKAY! *shakes hands with Riku173* n_n  
  
Riku173: *hand is smashed* AAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!! My hand!!!  
  
Storm: ...eh... Sorry?  
  
Riku173: It's okay...I'll...survive... *sniffle* *picks up Malik* *sniffs Malik* Ooo...smells like coffee...  
  
Kayle: *lifts up Ryou, whom she beat unconscious, and uses Magic Bum Powers to teleport everyone (even the drinks and food!) to Riku173's mansion* 


	7. I will eat yo socks!

Tommy: May ye rest in peace, Mr. Tapey... *sob*  
  
Zelda: Whatever...  
  
Tommy: *glare* *walks back to where Kayle and Srarhr were tied up* *gasp*!  
  
Zelda: They've ESCAPED!  
  
Tommy: Blaarrrrrggghhhh!!! *waves fists in the air* YOU WON'T GET AWAY!  
  
Narrator: Okaaaay... that was weird... Let's see what Riku173 is doing!  
  
Riku173: Tell me where you hid the Millenium Rod!!!!  
  
Malik: Um... no? *is tied up*  
  
Riku173: KAYLE!  
  
Kayle: YAHAHAHA!!!! *body slams Malik*  
  
Malik: Ow!!!  
  
Riku173: Good Kayle.  
  
Kayle: Woof! *body slams Malik*  
  
Malik: O_______O MY SPLEEN!!!  
  
Riku173: *malicious grin* BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAA!!!  
  
Malik: Grrrr...  
  
Storm: Oo This is disturbing... *huggles her Kenshin plushie that she made from socks and lint*  
  
Riku173: NOW will you TELL me?!?  
  
Malik: ...fine... but fix mah spleen...  
  
Riku173: Yay! *huggles Malik and casts Curaga on him* Now tell me!  
  
Malik: It's in Ryou's wallet.  
  
Riku173: And where is Ryou's wallet?  
  
Malik: In Ryou's pocket.  
  
Riku173: Which one?  
  
Malik: The one on his butt.  
  
Riku173: *glare* Idiot, there's two pockets on his butt!  
  
Kayle: *eats her sandwich* Why is the conversation drifting to butts?  
  
Malik: I know there's two pockets on his butt! It's the one his right!  
  
Riku173: Thankies! Kayle, you can beat him up now.  
  
Kayle: Skippy! *jams her elow into Malik's sensitive spot*  
  
Malik: *squeaks* Owies...  
  
Riku173: Pain and torture good... *grabs Ryou's wallet and shakes it upside down, thus causing the Millenium Rod to fall out* Yay! An item of destruction! Now I just need the other six, which Hilary and Srarhr should be bringing anytime! *camera goes back to Kayle who is beating the shitaki mushrooms outta Malik* Kayle: *eyes narrow and she looks menacing* You must pay... DIE!!!!!!! *jumps on Malik*  
  
Malik: What are you talking about?!?!?!  
  
Kayle: DO NOT LIE TO A BUM!!!!! NOW YOU MUST PAY!!!!!! 


	8. AMAZING! 8 already? You learn something ...

Narrator: Well...um...what happened in the last chaptah was very strange... Kyale beat up Malik, Ryou's butt pocket played a great role, and Hilary and Srarhr didn't even appear! But this chaptah focuses entirely on them, so no worries! ^^  
  
Srarhr: Hiiiillllaarrrryyy!!!!! I can't *pant pant* run *pant* any *pant pant* faster!!!!!!  
  
Hilary: So?! We already got the Millenium Items, 'cept the Rod, cuz Riku173 said she get it, and we're almost home!  
  
Srahr: But you're only carrying the Millenium Puzzle!!!!  
  
Narrator: Oooo...so many questions left unanswered... Why does Riku173 need the Millenium Items? Why is this chapter so short? Why is there less of Tommy? Does Hilary have a tattoo? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS FIC?!? ...and also... will Eminem make an appearnce? 


End file.
